The Girl Who Loved Edward Cullen
by padfoot's prose
Summary: Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen were destined to be together - Eddie knew this from the moment she first saw their eyes meet. The moment that spark of whatever it was ignited in Edward's eyes. So what will happen to the girl who loved him first?
1. Prologue

**Hey, I exist! Okay, so this story IS NOT AU. IS. NOT. AU. I just want to make that clear. It also isn't a Mary Sue. I am strictly Bella/Edward. It will eventually be romance, but, for once, I'm going to be a bit subtle about it for quite a while. Also, the summary is all the clue you're going to geta bout this story - no explanations or whatever. I'm practising writing properly. Just trust me when I sat this should be good. Please. Trust.**

**Disclaimer: I would never, ever have let a movie like THAT be made out of my book (no offense). Enough said.**

**_For Becky and Annie. Thanks guys._**

Edward Cullen was a vampire. Or something of the sort. It didn't take me four years to figure that out. In fact, it took me less than a year. And that was without ever talking to him.

But now I know for sure: whatever he is, he clearly isn't human.

I mean, how can a human, even one who lives in Forks, be so pale?

I grew up here, I've lived in the rainy capital of America for my entire life, and yet my skin refuses to take on that magical snow-white tone.

Lets not even start on my eyes.

_His_ eyes though, are gold. Liquid gold. Except as they fade, during the weeks between his family's 'camping' trips. Then they go black, usually.

And _his_ eyes, regardless of the colour, always light up in that amazing, loving way whenever _she's _around. Isabella Swan. She likes to be called Bella. That's why, in my mind, I call her Isabella. It makes me feel like I'm annoying her, even though she has no idea what I'm thinking.

He knows. Edward knows what I think, and when I think it. He can hear my thoughts calling out to him everyday since my first day as a freshman. He just never pays attention. My voice just fades away into the background like everyone else's. Because he has _her_. And, now that _she's_ here, he doesn't need anyone else.

I wish he needed me, though. As a friend if not as anything else. In fact, I wish either of them needed me. Even if it was just _her_ who needed me, at least it would be someone.

Anyone.

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	2. Chapter 1

**This is probably a bit confusing, but, as I said, I'm not going to do any explaining in the ACs. You can PM me if you don't understand something or ask in a comment and I'll answer it.**

**Disclaimer: The Twilight series bleongs to Stephanie Meyer and Little & Brown. No copyright infringement is intended, although I am perfectly aware that it is still done. Anyway...**

"Eddie! Get your homework off the kitchen table!" I groaned and sat up off my bed where I'd been lying for the past hour looking at the cracks snaking across the ceiling.

My gaze slid from the ceiling to my desk as I sat up. But actually, my desk couldn't be seen beneath the mess of papers, books, magazines and any other type of junk imaginable piled on top of it.

"Eddie, now! I'm serving dinner!"

I rolled my eyes. "Coming Gran!" I called, even though she probably wouldn't hear me.

"Eddie!"

Extracting a large book from my bookcase, I counted down quietly before dropping it heavily to the ground. Grandma's mumbling complaints about the noise could be heard from the kitchen as I stood up with a satisfied smirk.

The kitchen was smoky and stank of boiled cabbage. I guessed that was dinner for tonight. Gran didn't even turn around when I walked in and immediately collapsed in a coughing fit. She just kept on stirring something on the stove. I didn't have the courage to ask what.

My homework was scattered untidily across a table in the middle of the already cramped room. It's foldout legs wobbled as I fell against it, still choking from the smell of the kitchen. I quickly took my weight off it, not wanting it to collapse. It had happened before. Trust me, I'd know.

"Don't just stack the books, move them." Gran's sharp voice came from behind her frizz of curly hair, hunched along with the rest of her by the stove. She hadn't even looked at me, but I could swear the woman had eyes on the back of her head. Sadly, I hadn't inherited such luck. I knocked over a vase of flowers on the bench behind me as I stood with my arms full of schoolbooks. My curse was uttered under my breath, and I knew Gran wouldn't hear.

The vase fell, and flowers spilled out along with a flood of water. I cringed away, trying to dodge the table too, and hurried out of the kitchen. My bag was under the table by the front door, and I resisted the urge to open the door and get a breath of fresh air as I stuffed my books into my bag. Gran would hate it if I let the cold in. And I still had to clean up the mess I'd made from spilling the vase.

"Come clean up the mess you made!"

Gran was a woman of few words. Also one of few moods. She was always either angry, grumpy, frustrated, fed-up, or some combination of the four. Sometimes she even peaked at furious, but that used up too much energy for her to sustain for long. She'd quickly fade to fed-up and storm off to her bedroom at the far end of the house.

I finished shoving my books into my bag and let it drop back to the ground, balancing upright for a second or two before falling forward into the middle of the hallway. I glared at it, hoping to convince it to move back to where I'd put it, but it didn't budge. Stupid bag. I ignored it and went back down the short span of hallway to the kitchen.

After all, why should I want to waste time moving my bag when there was mess to clean up? Note the sarcasm.

I spent all of dinner trying not to think of what I was eating. This was helped by the fact that Gran liked to straighten her legs under the table, and, especially with table like ours, that was an issue, so it gave me something to concentrate on. I'd learnt to balance on my chair with my legs crossed, but it wasn't exactly comfortable or easy. I had to focus to keep my balance, and the smallest waver in my concentration would send me plummeting face first into the tabletop. And into my dinner. Which would definitely not be nice.

After dinner I washed up. And dried up. And took out the garbage.

It was cold outside, but preferable to being inside. A thin blanket of snow carpeted the ground, and more tiny flakes were still drifting down from the purple-ish black sky. The white world around me helped me to forget the one inside my house. I liked this world. The world where there was no Gran. No disgusting meals. No yelling, expect in joy as kids ran from balls of snow being hurled at them by friends. This was definitely my type of world.

Closing my eyes, I could almost imagine the noise of it now. Laughing, screaming, running footsteps as everyone tried to escape from the bombardment of snowballs. Everyone's hands so cold that they were numb. Their hair messy and wet. Shining droplets of water, dripping down people's cheeks. The one girl who hated snow, Isabella Swan, staring at us all in horror as we played around in the car park, blocking her path to her car.

She'd even stared at me once.

She'd looked at me in a way that said, 'don't you dare even consider throwing that handful of muck at me'. Then she'd looked away again, distracted by the perfect, snow-white arm that had wrapped around her shoulders. The perfect, ice-cold chest she'd been hugged against. The perfect, flawless, god-like boy who she was lucky enough to loved by.

Edward Cullen.

And I'd stared. As I'd stared, I'd wondered if she knew. If she knew the truth about the secretive Cullen family in their mansion in the woods. I guess she must have. She was a smart girl, after all, and she'd been going out with Edward for years.

I _knew _she knew when I heard about the wedding. _Their_ wedding. Her and Edward's.

A lot of people scoffed at the idea. A girl getting married at eighteen? I didn't scoff. I understood.

I mean, how safe could it be to be the girlfriend of a vampire? She'd have to be made one eventually. And this wedding was the perfect excuse. Besides, it was clear that she loved him. I of all people would be able to tell that. To be able to tell who loves Edward Cullen.

After the wedding they disappeared. I think she'd've have been changed by now. Made one of them. Which is good, I guess, for her. It means she's committed herself. It means she loves him enough to give her life up for him. It means he's in good hands. Hands of a girl who loves him.

But not _my_ hands.

Not the _other _girl who loves him.

"Eddie, get inside and go to bed!"

I turned and walked back inside. There was no point arguing. No point resisting. Gran's word was law in our house.

"Hey, Ed?" I searched for the source of the voice. A head appeared at the window of a Toyota parked in the next-door neighbour's driveway.

I smiled. "Lalo."

"Are you okay?"

"Fine."

"Really? Your Gran sounds angry."

I laughed humourlessly. "She's always angry."

Lalo grinned, "That's true."

I couldn't bring myself to grin back. Lalo was one of the only people who knew I existed. She was the only friend I had. Everyone else who was aware of my existence hated me. I'd never quite been able to understand why Lalo stood by me so firmly, even when I'd been being an idiot. Maybe it was because we were both outcasts, in our way. Maybe it was because she felt sorry for me. Maybe it was something that I'd never understand.

I jerked my thumb towards my front door. "I should go."

Lalo nodded, opening the door of her car as quietly as she could and slipping out of it onto the frozen drive. She was dressed in tight jeans and a smart jacket. She must've been out.

"Have you been with Toby?" I asked, trying to delay having to go back inside.

Lalo nodded, and her cheeks flushed a little. Toby was her boyfriend. Not many people knew that they were going out. I felt privileged that she'd told me out of all of her friends. But Lalo was like that. She knew when someone wanted to feel special, like they meant something. She knew that I didn't feel like I meant anything. She also knew that it would be impossible for me to tell anyone her secret, because I had no one to tell.

"He's really sweet, you're lucky." I said it more to keep the conversation going than for anything else. I did mean it though. Toby was sweet. I'd had a crush on him when I was thirteen. It had stopped when Edward had come. And I'd never liked anyone else for the four years since then. How could I have?

"I know," Lalo answered, picking her way through the snow and ice to her front porch. "How are you doing?" She was worried. I immediately felt guilty. My friend shouldn't have to worry about me, not straight after a date with her boyfriend.

I shrugged. "Don't worry about me."

She shot me a look as she searched through her bag for her key. "How can I not worry?" I bit my lip and averted my gaze, wishing my life were simpler. Wishing I was more like her.

As far as I was concerned, Lalo's life was perfect. She had great parents, she was popular but still managed to be a good person, she had boys queuing up to date her. And yet she still managed to find time to care about me. I was a loner who had no place in a busy high school. For most people it would be social suicide to hang out with me. Lalo didn't care. And, because she didn't care, no one else cared. As far as they were concerned, I was still no one. Nothing. Invisible.

The Girl Who Loved Edward Cullen.

The words had thrilled me the first time I'd heard them. They'd sent my heart racing, flooding my body with electric energy. Now they were a joke. A bad joke that no one thought was funny. But those words were who I was. They were who I was to everyone at school, even Lalo.

"How long has it been since he left?"

I answered automatically, knowing exactly who she was talking about, "two months, four days-" I glanced at my watch "-and fourteen hours since I last saw him."

"Do you still dream about him?"

I nodded.

"But you say you don't hate Bella?"

Lalo called her Bella. Lalo had known her. Talked to her once or twice. Bella was in the year above us. She'd graduated last year. She'd even said goodbye to Lalo during her graduation party at the Cullens'. I hadn't gotten an invite. Not many people in our year had. I hadn't wanted one, though. I knew enough about the Cullens to be a little freaked at the idea of fifty or so kids hanging around at their house for a night. I was glad not to one of those kids, even though all of them were still alive the next day.

"No."

"But you do love Edward."

"Yes."

Lalo sighed, and looked away from me, forcing her key into her door. I could hear the lock click loudly in the still night air.

"Do you think it will go away?"

"No."

"Do you still have the dreams?"

"Yes."

Of course I still had the dreams. Those were never going to fade. They were all I had left.

Lalo's expression was hard, forced. She trying not to let me see the pity that she felt. She wasn't trying hard enough for it to work. She disappeared inside her house, muttering a goodbye.

I turned away and went back inside.

The warmth wasn't comforting, so I was quick to escape from it back to my room. There, I lay on my bed, thinking the same thing I had every night since he'd left.

_Did I still love him?_

I searched deep inside myself, desperate for even the slightest trace of dislike. I couldn't find it.

_Yes._

_Did he love me?_

I rolled my eyes at the thought.

_No._

_So why did I love him so deeply, so completely?_

Even in the darkest corners of my mind there was no answer. Only an image, a single, still image that I kept locked away as my biggest secret, only unlocking it in times of need.

It was _him_.

His smile. His flawless smile. His eyes ruby-red. A breeze, carrying my scent to him. His eyes were trained on me, fixed on my soft, pudgy, one year-old face. He could have killed me. He could have taken me. But he didn't.

Because that was why I loved Edward Cullen. Because, one day, sixteen years ago, he's spared the life of a tiny baby girl. A tiny baby girl whose parents had stolen, cheated, and murdered. My parents hadn't been good people. My parents hadn't lived. Edward couldn't have known if I'd turn out to be a good person – back then my mind was only capable of the simplest thought, he couldn't have found anything but that in it. But still, he'd let me live.

I was a risk. Anyone else might not have let a risk like me live. He had. After all, Edward Cullen only killed bad people. And no matter how bad my parents were, no matter what they'd done to deserve their fate - I hadn't done it. He'd seen that.

Sixteen years ago, Edward Cullen had saved me. He had shown a type of affection for me – a type of consideration for me in sparing my life – that no one had shown me since.

And now…

This was the result.

**Eep. Confusing, much?**

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	3. Chapter 2

**Okay, just so you know (JMac song!), this girl, Eddie, is really stuffed up. It's a bit hard to get across, without making her sound scary, but I'm trying, the idea is that you sympathise not cringe away.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

School started with the shrill ring of the bell. Hundreds of student ploughed through the snow, occasionally dodging the odd snowball, to get to their warm, dry classrooms. I ploughed extra slowly, dreading the mindless chatter, the sideways glances, and the sniggers that always welcomed me whenever I entered a room.

I was an embarrassment.

An embarrassment to my year group. An embarrassment to my Gran. An embarrassment to the school now, too. My once perfect marks had been one of the first signs of my depression. My average A, feel to a B-, then a D. Now I was lucky to pass any test.

It's wasn't that somehow, Edward's leaving had meant that I was preoccupied in class. I hadn't started doing badly in class because I'd only been doing well in a vain attempt to get him to notice me. Not at all, really. I just didn't want to learn any more. My life had lost a reason, a goal.

I'd always had this dream that one day Edward Cullen would ask me out. I know it's dumb – what sort of girl am I that I obsess so completely over this guy? But Edward Cullen wasn't just a guy, and, as outlined earlier, I'd never been just a girl. Maybe it was being raised by my Gran, living in an environment so empty of love or compassion or any sort of appreciation for mankind that made me so susceptible to falling in love. Like it was disease that I hadn't been immunised against. One that my body had never learnt to fight.

Loving Edward Cullen Syndrome. LECS, for short. And I had it bad now. I'd had it bad for four years.

Anyway, back to my dream.

It was never very specific, very general, as most dreams are, but always very much _there_. _Real_. As if it was just out of my grasp. I think I even convinced myself that I was getting closer to it sometimes, by doing some things.

Making friends with Lalo was a good choice. That was a step forward. Not being jealous of Isabella Swan was a second step. But that was really all I'd done; I knew that now.

And, along with that knowledge, came the feeling of utter hopelessness. Because even if I had been able to take those last few steps and finally caught my prize, it would never have worked. Even if he had, for whatever reason, asked me out, he wouldn't have loved me. That was the thing about vampires: they fell in love once, with one person only.

Alice and Jasper. Rosalie and Emmett. Carlisle and Esme. They all just belonged together, fit. Just like Edward and Isabella Swan. I knew that.

But why couldn't I be in there somewhere?

Not even as a partner, not even as that one person who they fall in love with and stay with forever and ever. Just to be a little bit included. Just to be a little bit loved…

"Eddie, answer the question please."

I'd zoned out, like usual. I stared blankly at the teacher, briefly wondering when he'd even come in to the classroom. In fact, when had _I_ gone into the classroom?

"I can't."

The teacher frowned at me. "Why not?"

"I don't know the answer."

The class tittered excitedly. They loved seeing me suffer.

He had a pained expression on his lined face. "Eddie, haven't you been paying attention."

"No, not really."

Now the class laughed openly, falling silent when the teacher's eyes shot away from me to glare at them for a moment.

"Why not?"

I shrugged. More laughs came from around me. "In all honesty I really don't care about this stuff. Algebra. Trig. Maths. It just doesn't engage me."

"Yeah, other things _engage_ her, Sir." Some other pathetic student said, maybe expecting a laugh.

"Hah! Not Cullen, he engaged that Swan girl!" That one got a laugh.

I stood and walked out. Literally.

The teacher watched me silently, unable to say anything. Also literally.

See, I think it was the school councillor who said it first. Pretty much, when my marks started stuffing up, people worried, so I was sent to her. She knew I was going through a rough time and that it had to do with Edward Cullen, but that was it. Just before I gave up on the sessions, she spread the word for all the teachers to try and prevent upsetting me, as I was in a "fragile mental state". So now, if any mention of Edward came up, teachers instantly went into mute. They stayed completely silent. Not helping me, but not making it worse either. It was a compromise, I guess.

Which meant that my teacher couldn't say anything as I walked out of the classroom, leaving my bag, books and jacket at my desk. He just stared sadly.

Once outside, I turned towards the parking lot and ran. Flakes of snow whipped against my face as they drifted down from the sky, but I ignored them. Shivers convulsed violently through my body, but I was too numb to notice. Goosebumps had erupted on my arms; bare due to the T-shirt I'd been wearing under my jacket.

I didn't care.

I'd been in pain before.

I used to feel pain when people would all shoot me glances whenever the Cullen entered the packed cafeteria. I used to feel pain when people would stick notes to the walls or my locker, saying stuff like 'Eddie and Edward, together for never'. I even used to feel pain when I'd see Edward's eyes sweep the cafeteria boredly, skipping over me like I was a part of everyone else. Which, I guess, to him I was.

I didn't feel pain anymore.

He'd left, simple as that. And it wasn't pain that I felt because of that, it was disappointment. Somewhere, in the part of my mind reserved for dreams and other impossibilities, I'd always thought that maybe he'd remember me one day. Maybe he'd see me and something would click. And he'd walk over to me with his perfect grace, look down at me and say, "you're nothing like your parents". And just those words coming from that mouth would have been enough.

Sure, I'd wanted more, everyone had, but that was all I'd needed. Now I'd never get it. That realisation was what caused me to stop living. It was gone. All possibility of knowing that he'd made the right choice that day sixteen years ago. H'ed never know. And because of that I'd never know. So him leaving had meant that I'd lost the reason for my liking him in the first place.

_Not_ telling me that he _didn't_ regret saving felt like the same as telling me that he _did_ regret it.

I know it's a stupid logic.

But I'd bypassed stupid years ago.

Lalo found me hours later, sitting outside my house, curled up in the snow. I was out cold. She took me into her house (Tony helped) and lay me on the couch. Then she wrapped me up in a blanket, prepared a hot chocolate for me and waited.

She knew I'd come to when I started shivering again.

"Hey, Eds," she greeted me, a sad smile on her face.

I stared up at her, my throat sore and dry.

"She might have hypothermia," Tony said from near my feet. I stretched my neck up to peer over at him. "Are you sure she shouldn't go to the hospital?"

I shook my head, still unable to speak. Lalo answered for me. "No, she can't go to the hospital."

Tony looked confused at the conviction in Lalo's words. "Why not?"

"Dr. Cullen worked there."

Realisation dawned on his handsome face. "Oh," was all he said. After a minute of awkward silence he went back into the kitchen, mumbling something about tea.

Lalo looked at me, her expression fading from her forced smile to one of disappointment. "Eddie, what happened?"

I took a sip of my hot chocolate, instantly feeling the difference as the moisture ran down my throat. "People were making fun of me. I left."

She sighed. "They always make fun of you, you can't always leave."

"Yes, I can."

"No, you can't. You need to go to school."

"Why?"

"Because it's our last year. Next year you'll be at college or uni. You're smart enough to get into some Ivy League place if you actually try."

I laughed. "I'm not going to uni. And I have no reason to try."

Lalo sighed again, shaking her head as she turned away.

I knew I'd disappointed her. I knew she hated having to always look after me. I knew that I shouldn't e putting her through this.

But I knew it in the same, dead, empty way that I knew that to answer the question in maths today was simple case of cross multiplying the indices by negative one, substituting the y, dividing by the denominators of the two fractions and factorising the quadratic trinomials. The answer was there, obvious, in my head. It just had no meaning, no point. It just drifted away as fast as it had drifted in.

I could hear Lao and Tony whispering in the kitchen.

"You shouldn't have to look after her, Lalo, she's old enough to do that herself."

"I know Tony, but she's going through a hard time. Besides, who else is going to look after her?"

"I don't know, I'm just saying, why does it have to be you?"

"She's my _friend_."

He snorted in disbelief. "Some friend. What ahs she ever done for you?"

"She's a good person, Tony, okay? She's interesting and smart and fun to be around, just not right now."

"She's _sick_.Really _sick_. I mean, she never even talked to Cullen, but she's obsessed with him."

"She has her reasons."

"Oh yeah, what?"

Lalo faltered. I'd never told her why I loved Edward, just that I had a reason. Tony noticed the gap. "See, she's insane. Messed up. You know that as well as I do."

"Yes, she is messed up, but telling her that isn't going to help her is it?" Lalo fell silent for a moment, and I could hear her beginning to sob. "Don't you remember her from year seven, right at the beginning?"

Tony didn't answer, the question as obviously rhetorical.

Lalo continued, her sobs more noticeable now. "She was so alive, so full of energy and happiness. Sure, her home life was stuff up. Her Grandma hated her and everything else in the world, but Eddie didn't care. She was at school learning and living, loving every minute of it.

"Do you remember how jealous every was of her back then? She was perfect. She had the looks and the brains, but never leant away from being herself. Do you remember people fighting for her in their sports teams? The boys who used to line up to get her number and offer to buy her lunch? Don't you ever wonder if that girl is still in there, just sort of put off by this new person?"

Tony stayed silent. I got the feeling that it wasn't because he was thinking. His voice though, when he finally spoke, was gentle. "Lalo, I don't think that girl exists anymore. It's been years since a guy's even looked at Eddie, Cullen included." The highly un-subtle stab gave me the familiar desire to stand up and run until I couldn't run anymore and the voices had faded into the dark realms of memory, but I was still too cold and exhausted to move. Tony's voice still came at me from the kitchen.

"She doesn't know what it means to be dedicated, or loved, or appreciated anymore. Have you seen that dead look in her eyes? She doesn't feel. She stopped feeling when he left with Bella Swan."

"She stopped feeling because he left," Lalo shot back sharply, as if she thought Tony didn't quite understand that part. "All she wanted was for him to notice her like all those other boys once had. It became an obsession. She felt like she needed him to notice her. She lived in this little world of her own where every second of every minute of very day he was just about to get up and come and talk to her."

"She was _insane_. And now that he's gone it's just gotten worse."

"No, Tony," Lalo voice was cold now. This wasn't going to end well. "She wanted to be loved. She felt that if she loved someone, they would love in return. But they didn't. They didn't even notice her. I don't think she was obsessed with him as much as she was obsessed with loving him, and with him loving her back. That's all that a lot of girls want." She broke off, and I could imagine her green-blue eyes flicking up to meet Tony's.

They'd have a cute little couple moment now, where he'd hug her and tell her that he knew she was right, but that it just hard to deal with. He'd tell her he loved her, and that he'd trust her no matter what crazy things she believed. Then they'd come back out to me, all smiles and optimism, acting as if they hadn't just had that conversation.

I was used to the agenda by now. It was the way it was with Lalo and all of her boyfriends. In the end though, they never lasted. They never lasted because of me. That was another thing I knew: Lalo had loved all of her boyfriends. A lot. But every single one of them so far she'd let go for me. So Lalo loved me, in her own way.

But she wasn't Edward Cullen.

No amount of love would be able to replace him.

**No, this isn't slash. Lalo loves her as a FRIEND. She understands that Eddie has gone through unimaginable pain (in fact, I'm writing this and I can't imagine, never having fallen in love) and wants to help. She lets go of all those boyfriend because she's really selfless and worries about her friedns first and herself later. It is, however, important to note that Lalo has sacrificed a lot for Eddie.**

**Review?**


	4. Chapter 3

**Sorry! There are so many spelling errors in this that it's scary, but it's late and I'll forget to post if I leave this until tomorrow. So here it is.**

**And somethign actually happens in this chapter! All those other chaopters were jsut for people to know who Eddie is and stuff. Thisb is actually something happening!**

**Disclaimer: I would totoally have released Breakoing dawn by now if I owned it or the rights to it becasue the suspense is actually killing me!!**

It was dark in the clearing. And cold. So cold. The type of cold that seemed to drill into your skin, hurting you all over with such an intense pain that you went numb after a few seconds of being exposed to it. Yeah, so it was cold.

But the numbness was nice. It made me feel… nothing. No desperate longing. No wishing that things were different. All that I could think of was the cold. Or the fact that I should feel cold but didn't because I was numb.

Would Gran wonder where I was? Somehow I doubted it. She was probably lying in her warm bed, muttering to herself about the rudeness of teenagers these days.

"-didn't even come to dinner… ungrateful little…" I blinked hard, blocking the thoughts from my mind. I hadn't come here to think. I'd come ere to stop thinking. To just let myself be exposed to the wide, bare, ruthless world that was so similar to the one that I lived in. All the birds huddled up in their nests knew that life wasn't fair. The bears in their caves knew. The worms probably even knew. So why couldn't I just accept it like they did?

Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I wanted my life to work out so much, that even the vague idea of it not working out caused this much pain. Or maybe I was different. Weird. I'd fallen in love with a mind-reading vampire-type-creature who'd never spoken a word to me because he'd saved me from my criminal parents. I mean, how much weirder could one person get?

I closed my eyes again. Focussing on emptying my mind. It was harder than usual, not thinking. It could've been because, out here in the middle of a clearing buried deep in the woods behind my house, there was to do but think. The lucky little birds and bears and worms were probably asleep by now, sheltering from the piercing cold. That's what any sensible creature would be doing. That's what I should've been doing.

But clearly I'd already established that I'm far from sensible. Which is probably why, when a mournful howl echoed from somewhere to my right, I didn't register it until much later.

Instead of registering the howl, I opened my eyes again and took in the scenery around me. Granted, it was very dark, so I couldn't see much of the scenery in anything but varying shades of black (which really don't vary much, because there's only really black and blacker and blackest, which all seem to blend into each other a little bit anyway) but, having been here often enough before to imagine scenery through the blackness, I could take in some scenery.

The clearing stretched no more than ten metres on any side around me, and I was sitting more or less in the middle anyway. To my right, far, far, far to my right, there was my house. About a mile away. Maybe further. And to my left, a winding dirt path snaked out of sight, heading in the general direction of the river. I knew for a fact that if you followed that river for long enough you'd pass the Cullen's house. It was a long way though, and I'd only bothered to make the walk a couple of times.

In front of me and behind were the rest of the woods. They curved away in a thick band all the way to the long beach at La Push, where they finally gave way to sand and rocks. But La Push was even further away than the Cullen's house, and I'd never had any reason to go there.

The howl came again, this time from closer. This time I did notice it, but after a quick look around me, I went back to my thoughts. No sane animal would hunt at this time of night. It had to be close to midnight already.

My thoughts wandered away again, back to their usual topic: me. What was I supposed to do now? IO couldn't stay here in Forks, that much was clear. All I was doing was upsetting everyone. My Gran hated me anyway, and I was stuffing up Lalo's life. Neither of them deserved what I was doing to them. But where could I go, and how? And even it I did go, I knew, deep down, that I wouldn't change anything. I'd always been 'The Girl Who Loves Edward Cullen'. I was always going to be that girl. Whether I liked it or not.

It was at that point of my thoughts, that the worst thought that I'd ever had came into my head. It drifted in, just like any other thought might, but the panic that it caused coursed through my body like poison, making my heart hammer erratically in my chest and my head swirl sickly.

_I wished he'd never saved me_._ I wish he'd killed me, just like my parents, that he hadn't saved me and left me like this, to spend my entire life missing him – loving him._

It was a terrible thing to think. I wished I were dead. Even my strange, insane mind knew that, to think something like that, was truly sick. What sort of person wishes they were dead? I was a teenager, not even an adult yet. I had so much of my life ahead of me, so much of a reason to live. And yet, with all of the pain that I could feel inside of me, I wished that it would go. I was willing to sacrifice myself to get rid of that pain.

Or was I?

Another howl ripped through the cold night air, this one close enough to make me stand quickly and spin to face the source of the noise. It might've been better for me if I hadn't spun.

A bear stood at the edge of the clearing, less than ten metres away from me, it's cold, hungry eyes fixed on me. It was standing on all fours, but even like that it was enormous, its huge bulk towering over me. I started to shiver. The bear let out a rough growl, taking a step closer to me.

Already I could feel the numbness setting in. But not numbness like that from the cold. This was real, final. My body was getting ready for me to die. And, even as I realised that and the last of my blood drained from my pale face, I also realised that I'd been wrong, at leats partly.

Because my mind was screaming at me to turn and run. To escape. To _live. _Somehow, in some small, almost impossible to reach corner of my mind, there was a part of me that still had hope, that still desperately wanted the chance to live for another day, week, month year. A part of me that wanted to be alive for the future. So maybe a part of me thought that there was slimmest of slim chances that I would be able to heal. To change. To be me again. Not 'The Girl Who Loves Edward Cullen'.

Just Eddie.

Just a girl.

A person who goes to school and flirts with boys and stresses about exams. A _normal_ person.

The bear growled again, showing its teeth. Its shaggy brown fur was tangled around its mouth, bits of gore still stuck there. I resisted the urge to puke. Now definitely wasn't the time.

It took another step closer.

I tensed, waiting for it to pounce.

It tensed to, getting ready to pounce.

There was a moment, maybe a second, maybe a minute, where everything was still. The sounds of the night had switched off. Nothing moved. No breeze whispered through the trees and no drops of rain pattered softly to the ground. There was complete silence. And in that moment, that impossible extent of time that felt like a decade, I realised that something was wrong. The bear should've attacked by now. It should've pounced. Except for one, key issue. Bears don't pounce. They use their superior size to overwhelm their prey, crushing it. They don't attack on all fours, at leats not defenceless people. And besides, bears don't pause. They don't creep towards people, tormenting them, letting them realise that they're going to die, making them suffer before ending their pathetic life. Bears don't feel cruel satisfaction. They don't find pleasure in other's pain. They kill to eat, not for any other purpose. Only people kill for pleasure.

I smiled.

The bear – wolf – looked taken aback. As in, his expression, so solid and ruthless, actually faltered. His eyebrows furrowed in a very human expression. I smiled even wider.

"You're a werewolf."

The animal's body shuddered, as if a miniature earthquake and rocked through it. Then it began to change. The sight wasn't pretty. It wasn't a smooth, fluid change; you know, with the head changing first, then the body and finally the legs. Oh no. It was awkward and it looked painful. Thankfully, most of it was blocked by the darkness and the person emerging from the huge shape stepped back once they could, so that their face was impossible for me to see.

"Who are you?" The voice was male, but it sounded rough and throaty, as if the person hadn't talked much for a while.

"Eddie."

"Why are you here?"

I shrugged, staring avidly at the vague shape in front of me. I couldn't see the person clearly, but they looked big. Tall, with muscles evident in their arms. I couldn't see anything at all above their shoulders and very little below their chest. I wondered if they were staying in the dark for a reason.

"I come here sometimes, when I'm upset."

"Well don't."

I frowned. No strange man who just emerged from the body of an over-sized wolf was going to tell me what to do.

"Why not?" I asked stubbornly, not tyring at all to hide my anger.

The man seemed a bit confused at my tone. What had he expected? For me to be whimpering in terror? Nothing could hurt me more than my thoughts. I was sure of that.

"Just don't," he insisted, and I was surprised to hear the childish tone in his voice.

I shrugged again, un-phased and turned to walk away. It was time to go home.

"Do you promise?" Again, his tone was child-like. It reminded me of a kid asking his friends not to dob him in for breaking a rule at school. It almost made me laugh. Almost.

I smiled again, not bothering to look back as I continued walking. "I'm not promising you anything."

I was already quite a way back down the path that led to my house when I heard the growl. I stopped and looked behind me, unsurprised when the same enormous wolf appeared. His teeth were bared threateningly, and I could tell he was trying to make me promise. I stayed silent, staring back into his watery eyes.

"I'm not promising you anything," I repeated, not reacting when he growled again, his foul breath fanning my face. I did, however, turn my head to the side and cough conspicuously. "You need some toothpaste," I added as an afterthought.

He growled again, louder this time, more aggressive. More of the disgusting stench wafter across my face. I coughed again, but didn't step away as I looked back at him.

"It's not your clearing. And I'll bet that whatever you're going through – you know, being a werewolf and all – that it isn't nearly as stuffed up as I am."

He looked confused again, and this time I almost found the expression endearing. Poor, clueless werewolf.

I turned around, away from him and started walking back towards my house. It would only take a few minutes if I walked fast to be in my nice warm bed. And I was sure not to think of Edward Cullen at all tonight. Or at least not as much as usual.

The sound of crunching leaves made me glance back again, and I smiled at the sight of a huge wolf perched back on his haunches, staring at me with narrowed eyes. He was like any other dog, only about ten times as big, looking at me with that expression that dogs always had when their owner had tricked them by cheating them of their food or something. Yes, it was definitely endearing.

My gaze wandered back to the woods ahead of me as I picked my way along the winding track. I stopped suddenly, realising something, and ran back a bit to find the werewolf still sitting there staring at me.

"You can't change with clothes on," I said bluntly, holding back a laugh. That's why he'd been standing in the darkness. He'd been naked. I giggled a bit, unable to keep it in, before raising my eyebrows in request of an answer. The werewolf nodded curtly, avoiding my eyes. I smiled widely. He was embarrassed. That was cute. Then I left, this time with no intention of going back.

It was still dark and still cold. Very cold. But it didn't really matter. I'd laughed. Actually laughed. Maybe that tiny little corner of my mind was right. Maybe I could get better. Sure, the pain of love would never go away, but it could lessen. It could become so totally insignificant that I barely felt it. I let the idea of that bliss sustain me all the way to my bedroom window, slipping open and sliding inside.

My bed was cold when I got into it. Cold like the skin of a vampire (or whatever Edward Cullen was). But I wasn't. Warmth leaked from every pore in my skin. My heart pumped warm blood around my body, heating the sheets around me. I was alive. And grateful. For what felt like the first time in ages, I was looking forward to tomorrow. Who knew what new things it would bring?

**Review? Seriously, say anything. I even like criticism cos it gives me chance to argue my case.**


	5. Chapter 4

**OMG BREAKING DAWN WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!!**

**...**

**Okay, I'm over the crazy screaming moment, sorry about that.**

**Due to 'Breaking Dawn''s, this fic is officially AU. I'm now venturing into the new world of fantasy. Or, at least, fantasy that's my invention. But, the upside of that is that this definately won't contain any spoilers for Breaking Dawn, which is good cos my friends won't let me talk to them cos i finished it before them and am one of those terrible, terrible people who can't help but utter mindless spoilers continuously. I should be murdered, I know.**

**Anyway, just to differentiate between the idea that this is set on and that of Breaking Dawn, in this, the Cullens (and Bella) left Forks. Full stop. Bella left Jacob broken-hearted, and he's been spending the past two months (ish) since Bella left roaming the woods near Forks. Eddie has spent the same time mourning for her los of Edward. Boo hoo. I know we'rea ll getting rather bored of that, me included. Apart from that, all the previous plotlines from Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse have takne place.**

**Enjoy! (please?)**Jacob Black. Word had gotten around that he'd been missing. For a while there had been posters on telegraph poles, even something on the local radio station. But that was a few months ago. Since then it had quietened down a lot. People had stopped asking about him. People had stopped looking for him. He was forgotten.

* * *

Yet, he was _here_. Right here in Forks, just a mile or so along a twisting dirt track into the forest. I'd seen him.

"Lalo," I began, a little uncertainly but not enough to stop, "do you remember that Quileute kid who went missing a while back? Jacob Something?"

To be honest, I think she was more than a little shocked that I'd begun any type of communication. As a rule I didn't talk much, not even to her.

Dumbly, she shook her head.

"Oh." I bit my lip. Had I imagined the disappearance? Had it been one of those strange things that drifted on the edge of my dreams, subtle but insistent slowly forcing itself into my mind? After all, it had happened to me before. I was very familiar with my dreams binding me so tightly to a lie, tight enough for to begin to think it was true. I still dreamed of Edward every night.

But, nevertheless, I tried again. "Are you sure? Weren't there signs all over town? Taped onto telegraph poles. And stuff on the radio." I could remember it. I was sure I could.

Lalo's soft, pale brow furrowed as she thought back. I held my breath. I _wasn't_ imagining this. Maybe the fact that I had to convince myself proved otherwise.

"Jacob Something?"

Was it worth throwing in the surname hat I was equally as sure of? "Jacob Black, I think."

Something in her face changed, lit up like a light bulb. "Yeah, Jacob Black. One of those La Push kids from the gang. He used to hang out at the beach with us sometimes. Ages ago."

I nodded eagerly, her words bringing back more memories. "Yes! He was a little younger than us, maybe a year or so." My enthusiasm was obvious in my words. Lalo managed to contain the surprise that she must've been feeling. I was expressing emotion!

Slowly she nodded, still struggling with the memories – she did, of course have much more stuff worth remembering than I did. Plus, she could probably remember further back than last night. For me, my memories ever since Edward Cullen had left were dim. Almost forgotten. Where had I been for the last two months?

The beginnings of a hopeful smile hinted on her face. I could tell that she wanted to continue our conversation. Apparently she was a sure as I was hat any type of communication, whatever it was about, was a good step to recovering. Urgh, that made me being in love sound like a disease.

"Dark skin and hair, he usually wore it longish."

"His skin or his hair?"

This time she couldn't disguise the shock. I smiled self-consciously and shrugged it off. How long had it been since I'd made a joke?

"His hair. I don' think we really saw him much after the-" she paused, her eyes darkening for a moment as she grew doubtful about her inevitable next words "-Cullens came. I mean… you weren't really interested in seeing other people. Not even old friends." She was struggling, getting far too close to talking about Edward.

Charitably. I decided to help her. "I know I stopped seeing him, but what about others? Because I don't even remember people talking about it when he disappeared."

Lalo shrugged, looking relieved at my lack of reaction at her reference to the Cullens. "I don't really remember, because after," she paused again, but this time for not as long, "Edward, they Quileute kids weren't as keen to hang with us. It's like they thought we'd been injected with some poison or something and wanted to spread it into their lands." She laughed at her words, and I did too, somewhat nervously, to her surprise. She was closer than she'd thought with the word 'injected'.

"When was the last time you saw him then?"

"Jacob?" She frowned, thinking back. "Probably last year. He looked heaps older then though, so maybe it wasn't him at all."

I raised my eyebrows.

"I mean _heaps_ older, Ed, like late teens, early twenties even." Her tone was defensive.

I nodded. "And when did he disappear?"

Again she concentrated, trying to remember. Biting her lip, she shot a glance at me before answering, "I don't know. But roughly, say, two months, four days and, maybe," at this point she grabbed my wrist to look at my watch, and I burst out laughing again.

"Okay, I get it. The same time as me."

"When did you disappear?"

I feigned hurt, still laughing a bit. "You didn't notice. Humph, I feel offended. Didn't you notice that there's been this zombie-like thing impersonating me for the last two months, four days and an hour? Well, some best friend you are."

She looked both shocked and grateful. It was perfectly clear that I was nowhere near healed, least because she had no idea what had changed for me over the span of a night. And I knew that, if nothing resulted from my discovery, from this tiny little thing that I would use to the best of my ability to distract me from everything else, the same thing would happen again. That same zombie-esque girl with dull hair and a muted expression would return, and I'd spend my entire life as her. I didn't want that. Clearly, neither did Lalo.

She smiled at me, and it felt like the first smile that I'd seen in a century. Maybe it was. Because for a smile to be a real smile, it isn't just something you see; it's something you feel. I could feel this smile. It was halting, worried, knowing that it was too soon to be hopeful. But it was also warm. I'd called her my best friend. And now, finally, I was going to fulfil that role. I already knew that I owed Lalo so much, but there was only much that a girl with limits such as mine could do. For starts I had no money, and, no matter how much effort I put in for the almost non-existent remainder of this term, I wouldn't be able to get my marks back up to get enough money to get Lalo something real.

Besides, I knew her well enough to know that no amount of money or praise would convince her that I was better. She wasn't that type of person.

"Okay, well maybe I did notice. A bit. But that zombie girl, she looked so much like you. It was hard to believe that she wasn't you. Is she really gone?"

Of course, her words were far from joking. She was telling me what she wanted. She wanted me to be me again. Simple as that. Maybe, somewhere deep inside, she knew that I could do it. She knew that, long ago, when I was still that young, attractive, lovable thirteen year old, something had existed inside of my to make that change. A girl with a semi-perfect life doesn't just shrink to utter nothingness because of a boy. No matter how amazing that boy is. Something inside me had changed. I had to show her that I could change that something back. And I would show her.

But how?

"Is who really gone?" Tony's tone was light and joking. Maybe even too much so. He always had to especially easy going when I was around to lessen the aura of negativity that seemed to ooze from me. "Don't tell you believe those rumours about me and Tiff?"

I laughed, and Tony stopped, his expression quizzical. He glanced quickly between Lalo and me, looking for some type of confirmation that what he'd heard had really just happened. Lalo flashed her perfect teeth, grinning. I went one better.

"Rumours!" I snorted, going for the blasé sound. "Of _course_ they were rumours." Sarcasm dripped from my words.

Tony winked at me, then stage-whispered, "hey, be a bit more subtle, will you? Lalo is my girlfriend you know, she might hear you!"

This time Lalo's laughter joined mine. Tony suppressed his amazement well. I was relieved. I wasn't sure that I was ready to explain stuff to him.

Or, more precisely, I wasn't sure what there was to explain.

Why was I suddenly so interested in living again? I knew it had to do with Jacob Black, with his hostile words and endearing demeanour. He was just as lost and confused as I was. Except he was a werewolf. And maybe, somewhere deep, deep inside, so deep that I wasn't quite ready to acknowledge it yet, maybe I felt some sort of symmetry between us.

I hadn't been as zoned out as people had though before Edward had left. In fact, every aspect of his life had interested me. Every aspect of his girlfriend's life too. Because that was exactly it: Jacob Black had loved Isabella Swan. The words rang through my head with growing conviction. That was why his name had come to me so quickly. I'd stared at his picture a million times, trying to wish that Isabella would see that he loved her too, that she could leave Edward.

Clearly she hadn't.

But, as it turned out, I wasn't the only one who'd left myself behind and run from the ruins that the Cullen's departure had left. Jacob had done the same thing, but it wasn't Edward's lack of presence that caused him pain. It was Isabella's.

And now, with Tony sitting opposite me, his arm tight around Lalo's shoulders, an idea had come to me. A way to make Lalo sure that I was better. A way to make Jacob better too. Because that was suddenly important. For whatever reason, I felt like it was my own fault that had caused Jacob's pain. Like, for whatevwer reason, it was my job to fix him, just as it was my job to fix me.

Like I said, the symmetry was perfect, really, the two of us had been running in parallel years now. So, now that there was no reason for our lines to stay straight, to stay to forcibly separate, why couldn't they intertwine?

Why couldn't 'The Girl Who Loves Edward Cullen' be with 'The Boy Who Loves Isabella Swan'?

It was so obvious, so perfectly obvious. I almost felt dizzy.

My life had a meaning. A cause. _Something to look forward to_.

I just hoped that I could remember how I'd charmed all those boys four years ago into liking me.

**See? No more moaning and complaining and stuff. The better bit is starting!**


	6. Chapter 5

**Phew, this story has gone fast, and I'm surprised to say that this is the last chapter. I'm sorry if it doesn't draw up nicely, but I wanted to leave it a bit open. The whole idea is that Eddie's experience never really ends, and that what she's gone through isn't something that goes away. **

"You mean you've been living here, as a wolf, the entire time?" My tone was incredulous. What sort of stuffed up person would trap themselves in wolf-form and live by killing deer and whatever else by _choice_? My form of self-torture was totally different. Kinda.

Jacob shrugged, leaning back against a tree-trunk. "What else was I going to do? You don't… love… a person like that and then just get over it when they choose not to be with you." His voice broke a bit, but I chose to ignore it.

Instead I laughed quietly. "Don't worry, I know enough about reacting to people who hate you but you love. But that's not what bothers me about what you did."

He raised his eyebrows, either at the first part or the last part of my comment. "What bothers you then?" The last part then.

"You still had – you still have – people who care about you, people who love you."

"So? They don't know what I'm going through, they can't help me get out it or over it."

"Maybe they can." I hadn't told Jacob why I'd been in the middle of the woods late one night. I hadn't told him that I'd once been The Girl Who Loved Edward Cullen. I didn't ant to face it – my past. Maybe to help him though, I'd have to.

Jacob shook his head, and looked down, fumbling with a handful of twigs and dirt. "Maybe they can't."

I rolled my eyes. Standing I walked over to him, dropping down and sitting beside him. He didn't move away, but neither did her shift closer. In fact, nothing about him changed. He was frozen in his moment in time. He had no way to move forward, to escape.

"That's just it, isn't it?" I asked.

"What's it?"

"It's all about what you think."

He was unimpressed with my rhetoric. "I know that."

"So, if you wanted to, you could get yourself out of it."

"But _that's_ just it, isn't it? If I _wanted_ to. Have you ever considered that I mightn't want to?"

I was confused. "Huh?"

"What's wrong with me living in my little world where Bella chose me and where she never left? Why can't I stay there, happy, ignorant?"

I shook my head in disagreement. "Because you can't spend your entire life escaping from reality. Life is long, it's meant to be lived."

"And I'll live it out inside my head."

I appraised him in silence. "That's just dumb," I finally decided.

He looked amused at my bluntness. "Of course it is, but it works."

I continued. "You're like those people who live their lives inside computer games. They get caught up into thinking that they're someone they're not – that they look different, sound different, are reacted to differently. Then these people have the most warped idea of reality and they have no real friends and become obese and have mental issues. Only your thing is about a thousand times worse. Because you've chosen to trap yourself there, and you're hurting other people by doing it."

"Thanks," he said dryly, gaping a little at me.

It felt like it'd been ages since I'd had one of my pointless rants. It felt good to do it again. It felt like I was _me_ again. I shrugged, as if I went off like that all the time.

Then there was silence. The sun was setting, but I wouldn't have known it if my watch hadn't beeped for five o'clock. The woods were always dark, especially this far from town. For the first time in what felt like forever I was a little worried about walking home through the woods in the dark. For the first in what felt like forever I was actually worried about myself. The feeling was refreshing.

"I've loved someone too, you know," I offered, breaking the silence. Jacob ignored me. "He didn't love me back."

"I wonder why."

His comment stung, digging much deeper than I'd anticipated. I'd been ready for nasty comments, people who didn't believe I was better, or who just felt like punishing me a little more. I'd hoped I could handle them. Maybe I couldn't.

"His name was Edward Cullen."

Jacob's dark gaze flicked up to meet mine. A single ray of sunlight that had managed to pierce through the trees reflected off his left eyes, and he blinked, ducking to the side to avoid the light before focussing back on me. Somewhere within him, I could hear a noise. A sort of gurgling, growling noise. A fierce shudder ripped through him, closely followed by a sense of dread. This was dangerous ground to step on.

"I loved him the first time I saw him. He never talked to me. Ever." I paused, withdrawing myself from my story to concentrate of Jacob. If he lost control I might be in danger. And, now that I was finally free of my own, I wasn't about to immerse myself in someone else's dangers.

"People used to make fun of me, 'The Girl Who Loves Edward Cullen'. Isabella came. Then, a little over two months ago, they left."

A growl slipped from his trembling lips. "You think I didn't know that?" His tone was subdued. Forced. He was having trouble with controlling himself.

"It was then that I died, but I bet you know all about that." I looked at him, met his gaze solidly. He knew that I'd suffered. Maybe he didn't know the extent, but he that I'd shared at least some of his experiences. We'd both died, in our own way, back then.

"You never really lose hope, do you?" He asked, speaking again before I could answer. "Even when you know that you've lost the person who you love, even when you can see, so clearly, that they haven't and never will choose you, you still want to fight it. You still make yourself believe that there's hope. That maybe, one day-"

"-they'll turn to look at you and say, 'I was wrong, I need you'. Because you know, even if they don't, that _you_ need _them_, and it's impossible to imagine that they don't feel even a tiny bit of that need."

Jacob's eyes burnt, scorched, with anger and hurt and despair. He knew what I was talking about. Biting my lip to hold back the assault of pain that I could feel straining on its tight leash, I stood, moving as far away from him as possible with leaving the clearing. Even from that distance, I could see the moment in his eyes when he lost control. I could see as his body was drowned by a wave of violent shivers. I looked away as the transformation took place. I looked back in time to see the huge bulk of a wolf disappearing silently through the trees.

My legs collapsed beneath and I fell to the ground, my pain suddenly winning over my internal struggle. It attacked me too, with all the violence of Jacob's transformation I could feel very dagger of pain slash at my heart, every red-hot iron burn me inside. It engulfed me, threatened to destroy me. But still, somewhere in my head I found that place. The little world that was stored inside of my mind that I'd spent the time since Edward had gone immersed in. And it was still perfect. The walls of my imaginary life stayed firm against the barrage of pain inside me. It was hard to resist the temptation of staying there, of preserving myself and letting go to the allure of this perfect world. It was so easy, so simple. I could disappear into that world, right here, right now, and virtually no one would know the difference.

_You've chosen to trap yourself there, and you're hurting other people by doing it_. Would I hurt other people if I let myself go in that little world of my own? Lalo, and maybe even Tony, would notice. Gran wouldn't. Was it worth preserving myself just to make two other people happy?

It was a strange decision to have to make. My sanity had nothing to do with the result. My own feelings didn't matter. It would be unwise to trust them at this point anyway. Even stranger was the condition that I was in, mentally, as I was making this decision. I couldn't let myself into the world in my head, the perfect one, because once inside it would be so much harder to leave. So, as a compromise, I was outside that world, but focussing all my mind on the sensation of being it. The pain still lashed at me, trying to hurt me, but it was like a cut with antiseptic slowly taking effect. The pain was there, certainly, but it wasn't hurting, at least not nearly as much as it should've.

How much did I care about Lalo? More than I cared about myself, definitely, but that was obvious. What about Tony, did he matter in this equation? Yes, I decided, he mattered too. After all, he had tried to be nice to me. And Jacob? I'd seen him become enveloped by his pain, I'd seen him lose that internal battle, but could I let myself believe that all hope of his victory was lost.

No.

I couldn't.

So I pulled myself out. I let myself feel that pain.

Love hurts. Loosing the person you love hurts more. But loosing the person you loved, without them even knowing that you lost them hurts the most.

I knew it was stupid and childish. Maybe a more intelligent person, a more controlled person wouldn't have made the same mistake I did. The same mistakes. But I'd made them now, and the only way to undo them, the only possible route to redemption was to try. To keep trying with the vague hope that one day I'd succeed.

There was nothing to stop me loving again. Nothing to prevent me falling into that same trap. And maybe it'd happen. Or maybe another person, far away, one of the unfortunate ones who didn't get my message, would make that pathetic mistake of falling in love with someone who doesn't know you exist. Maybe that same person would, one day, feel the same pain as me. And maybe they'd give in to it, like Jacob had. Then again, maybe they wouldn't. There's always hope.

Hope's like that. It's powerful. It can do a lot of things that other feelings – feelings like love and trust and faith – can't do. It's not that it can change you, put you in a different light, love can do that. It's not that it can draw you closer to others, like trust can. In fact, it doesn't need to have anything to do with other people, not like faith. Hope is internal. It's all about _you_. It's _your_ hope, that changes you, _your _hope that allows you to let others in, _your_ hope that heals you. _My_ hope. And maybe, one day, Jacob's hope.

A mournful howl echoed through the woods, making birds take flight above the trees, the rich rays of golden sunset capturing them in its light.

Jacob Black. A boy destroyed by love. A wolf with the mind of that boy trapped inside. It would take time, that was certain, wounds like mine and his didn't heal quickly. But, as far as I was concerned, we had time. And I, for one, had hope.

Yes, a couple of simple words could easily renew my pain and make me doubt myself. But, now that I'd escaped once, endured once, I was ready to do it again. I wanted my own mind back. I wanted control. Most of all, I wanted to live. I wanted to go off on random rants, to laugh with Lalo about the stupid things that people do, to eat and sleep and do everything else that is a part of life. Maybe it was the idea that I could've lost all of that forever that made me appreciate so much more. Maybe it was the idea that I knew someone who still might lose it forever. I'm not sure.

Jacob's howl came again, this time from further away. I'd help him first, that was my job, my responsibility. We were connected in a way that wasn't going to disappear quickly. We'd shared a pain that could never be forgotten.

And what better to heal the pain of lost love than to find new love?

But maybe I was getting ahead of myself there.

**I did re-read the other chapters, but this story just isn't flowing for me anymore. I think it's because of the total AU of it post-Breaking Dawn's release. Anyway, serious thanks to those kind reviewers who felt for my character (or just pitied me due to my obvious lack of talent) and reviewed my story. I really do appreciate every single little compliment or piece of advice that people have given me about my writing.**

**Special thanks to stariinights for making me think; ichishifire, Lakis, Edwardcullenmyboyfriend (I'm usually pretty obsessive about spelling too) and evasive love for your compliments, I needed them way more than you know. And special special thanks to xXWrennaXx, I hope I managed to finish this with the same type of beauty I started it with.**

**Becky and Annie... I promise to write a better story for you gus next time.**


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